Two days ago Alexandra, my BFF, wrote a wonderful post about me on her infinitely more interesting blog. Today, I will not be returning the favour. Not yet, as there are too many feelings and memories, all sorts of kooky-crazy-funny-sometimes-sad emotions to sort through before I can even begin to start. But her post, and an unexpected phone call, meeting and sort-of reconciling with a friend did stir things up, and here’s a glimpse of what filtered through.
I’m not entirely sure I deserve the credit she gives me as a “best of friends“. In general. For starters, I have a sneaking suspicion I’m a lousy listener. Just count the times I say “I“. I’m simply “not there” as often as I should be, or even as often as I’d like to be. I don’t empathise enough. And no matter what I do or how much I actually try at times, I feel like I never truly know or understand my friends, through no fault of their own.
And sometimes I let them go. Let them slip through the many cracks in my life and leave them behind. With or without looking back. Just like old and new photos that simply do not suit me. Inside neatly stacked envelopes that yellow with time. Some of them are revisited now and then, some will pile up the dust until I’m gone and so are they. I’m pretty sure this is not my metaphor, that I’ve heard or read it somewhere else. And I love and loathe that comparison because while it has some poetry to it, you don’t need me to tell you that people should not be treated with the same disregard as photographs that one thinks do not catch them at the best possible angle.
This may not seem like much, or particularly conflicting, but I am struggling to put everything into words. I’ve written many more than what can be read here, but I also hit the sarcasm button one too many times, and I’m not sure it belongs here, in this post. I’m also trying to work towards full disclosure, so to speak, but it is hard. Even though Alex is the only one who knows me outside this poor excuse for therapy, I can’t do it. Not now. Again, not today. I’m just not there yet.
Later edit: Can someone please take pity on me and give me some “for dummies” instructions on how to post pictures? At least a profile one? Thank you so very very much.
